the meaning of life

i think about death every day

to me death is the reason why i live

i keep telling myself, who cares, we are all going to die one day (dw ill explain)

it may seem morbid but i find death really comforting

when i get really anxious or really depressed i think who cares im going to die one day, so i gotta make every moment count

its very carpe diem, very yolo

the only thing that matters to me is being content with life- because i know that we are never going to be continuously happy, only content with life, and i am ok with that

sure sometimes we are happy, but we must be sad, we must be angry, we must feel everything in order to live or else life wouldnt matter, we wouldnt grow

a  few years ago i used to glorify sadness, i used to think being sad, depressed and anxious made you  beautiful in a twisted way - as if being mis understood made me feel unique, like no one will ever understand me - now i see that its really not cute

sadness isnt beautiful
tragedy isnt romantic

happiness is, joy is, birth is, life is

now i know that no one will ever fully understand me - but every one feels that way

no one is special
no one is better than anyone else

essentially what i have learnt is that life is what you put into it
death is comforting to me cause it reminds me that it is the opposite of life
it reminds me what ive put into life

i tell myself if i died right now would i be happy?
would i leave myself satisfied?

and the answer right now is yes
because finally in my life i feel as if i am in control of my own life
i am making my own choices, i am who i ultimately am and if i die, i wont die as someone else, i wont die living a life someone else wanted for me

and my goal in life is to keep being myself
i keep living this life that i have chosen for myself

NO i am not going to kill myself if that is how you are reading this haha

now lets put this in practice

sure you can twist my words and say- but if everyone is going to die anyway, what about the homophobes in the world? what about the racist? should be just ignore them if youre going to die anyway? if they are going to die anyway?

the answer is no

i am not going to live my life letting people around me get hurt

its not about that other people are going to die
its about the fact that YOU are going to die

i am not going to be happy with dying right now if i kept my mouth shut to the racist in the bus

my other huge factor in my meaning of life is something to do it kindness

one person who had changed my life recently is sandy
im sure that i have mentioned this before

she has taught my kindness and loyalty

i feel as if i wasnt a good friend before i met sandy

and i never noticed that

i never wanted to actively help my friend cause i would tell myself it was not my place, they can live their own lives and blah blah blah (and they would think the same with me) and i will still say im their best friend and they are mine?

yet i would bitch behind their backs and they would bitch about me behind my back?

like wtf?

what kind of friend was i and what kind of friend are they

she taught me that if you love someone you have to be honest
like if i had a flaw about myself that was effecting other people, i would like to be told to my face
i dont want my friends to drift away from me and stop talking to me and not telling me why

i am not going to be like hey i hate that shirt throw it away

i mean like, if i feel like they are going to be a better and happier person after this call out

then its worth it

i have had sandy call me out many times, and each time she does it i feel like a better person

and i am currently doing it and you know what its great

i feel like a better friend for doing it and they do it to me

its beautiful

positivity is key

i want everyone to feel comfortable in themselves and level up

thats all i want

and if thats what im doing to my friends

and they keep on leveling up

and spreading the kindness that i pass on to them

i can die happy

and thats why death is comforting to me

death reminds me that i have lived

Homer: Little Lisa, Lisa Simpson. You know, I always felt you were the best thing my name ever got attached to. Since the time you learned to pin your own diapers, you've been smarter than me.
Lisa: Oh, Dad...
Homer: No, no, let me finish. I just want you to know I've always been proud of you. You're my greatest accomplishment and you did it all yourself. You helped me understand my own wife better and taught me to be a better person, but you're also my daughter, and I don't think anybody could have had a better daughter than you

havent blogged in a while

you know whats frustrating

depression bleh LOL

i was talking to a m8 of mine who has it as well and i was like "it came outta no where! i woke up and i was like welp i guess ill just die" and she was like yep i guess its something we have to live with

Like i was so hype before this happened, its was like what- 3 weeks ago i was sending postive vibes, i was gonna do yoga, i wanted to meditate i was looking forward to LIVIN

but then out of no where i woke up and the sky was grey, nothing had colour, and my heart was heavy. Its very hectic. and frustrating.

And i kept trying to pull myself out of it, i kept trying to think postive thoughts, do good things but i felt like i kept getting knocked down

you just eventually get stuck

bad things kept happening

like my foot, my fine, my brother, peanut getting ill, having to de sex peanut, my money falling out of my pocket, having to quit my job

it all him me at once, and this morning, or yesterday i dont recall suddenly the sky was blue again and i was out of my head. i felt relieved but also a little mad. I dont know whether i pulled my self out of the depressive rut of whether or not it just subsided.

like do i control it/can i control it or is it just like the weather? where i have to wait it out?

im not sure

so that happened, but i am out of the rut now i guess. im kinda trying to be postive and be proactive, maybe start writing a resume

who know, i just felt like i havent blogged in a while.. I also need to start painting and doing art. try and get an instag following you know?

I am also slowing trying to get back into teaching, very slowly. working my way up there haha

well bye now i just wanted to babble for a bit


We all know that age old questions.
If you were to have dinner with anyone in the world who would it be? Dead or alive? Well answer changes everyday. And today its Kelis.

I don't know how but i stumbled upon a video about her cooking and ever since then i really admired her. If i were to take anyones voice it would def be Kelis. I absolutely love her. I mean i totally forgot i saw her in person performing Milkshakes at Splendour in the Grass. Her ass was massive and she looked great. her version of milkshakes was a jazzy one too she was amazing. 

But after seeing her change her life after music is very inspiring. She will always be known as the milkshake girl. But she started her own kitchen and pop up store. So here is a bit of insight of how she changed her life around.

This is one of my all time favourite songs 

I love this video clip so much. It reminds me of saturday mornings, watching tv making my own breakfast and waiting for mum to come home.