reflection

so last night jessica garcia and sandy came over to my house so we can brain storm our assignment


as we were waiting for jess to come over sandy and i were talking about something and she just stared at me and im like what

and she said "you came a long way" and im like what???
and she told me "i changed for the better", i felt like i matured a bit, i dont know, like i grew up, and i am actually making mature choices rather than petty ones.

i dont want to actively hurt people anymore like the way they hurt me. i dont know if a part of me died inside or a part of me grew from my past experiences....

Im not sure, im still an angry person but im only going to voice that to people who want to turn my angry into reflection and let me feel that way you know? let it out i guess? break it down and let me think constructively

i dont know, but this last year has been insane for me. i made new life long friends, made large life decisions and i kinda sort of feel in control of my life.

my chest still feels heavy and sad but its churning, changing but i am ready

i dont know after sandy said that i felt like i saw myself outside of my own body, i am constantly anxious and self conscious about myself, about who i am, and having someone tell me that im growing - when i felt like i have been stuck this whole time - it really made me smile and be bashful

the same for jessica garcia, how she told me that nothing can match my bubbly personality, and how she hated hearing me/ seeing me upset. she told me when she first saw me she thought that i was smart and pretty and that she had to be friends with me.. she told me that i was lazy and that if i wasnt i had a lot of potential.. like fuck im always telling myself that i am dumb and ugly????


or how bobs said that he would miss me if he went to germany
and then while we were drunk and in a smoke room we just talked about one being in the uk and one in germany and we can visit each other and on the weekend travel!

and its real. like. in highschool it feel like it will never happen. but it finally feels real. that people out there actually like me, that people want to be around me and be with me

i am kinda sick of being, i dont know, the only word i can think of is a mum? like i am constantly thinking about everyone, what they are doing, and if they are making the right decisions, and i get upset when they get upset, like everything they do effects me and they dont even know it. do they even know how i am feeling? are they thinking about me? im sick of being a puppet, i hate feeling stupid and have to crawl to you for affection

what happened to self love?

i am sooo over hurting for other people who dont feel my hurt?

like if anyone thinks im selfish, i am not, i think i am finally putting my happiness first

just writing that felt so good

sitting here listening to frank ocean, slow, sad but warm



im sorry if i sound like a douche bag screw you cause you dont know how long this self hate and anxiety has effected my life

im finally taking control and using me to get what i want









I thought that I was dreaming
When you said you loved me
It started from nothing
-frank ocean - ivy - 




here are some cute photos












Fuck Priceline + VMAS

warning vma spoilers haha



I am so utterly broke right now i have been non-stop shopping at priceline since it opened up above dymocks. These are all my purchases from this month!! 
i got myself.. i mean i already have plenty of the cover girl mascara but i bulk buy them just in case cause they are sooooo good (for me at least)
i have like 3 all together which are unopened. The concealer as well cause they never have medium! but they finially did and it doesnt go off until you open it so WHY NOT??

and who doesnt need pads!? might as well get a free portable charger with it

i needed a proper eyelash curler and my friend showed me the eyeliner.. theyre so good more my eyes cause they old over- i got a fat one and a skinny one

the nyx liquid lipstick is soooo good- like its not too drying like other matte lipsticks so get on it you gguys!!!!

ok ill stop talking about priceline (and i gotta stop shopping there too :(  the sales are too good 2bTRU )



moving on i have 3 videos to watch 

VIDEO 1

I just like this song, the lyrics make me laugh
"I don't know why man's callin' me family all of a sudden
Like hmm, my mum don't know your mum
Stop telling man you're my cousin"


VIDEO 2

THIS IS THE BEST VIDEO EVER IT MADE ME LAUGH SO HARD



VIDEO 3

This video made ma so emotional i couldnt watch the whole thing cause i was at uni


casual black likes matter segway 

can we just talk about beyonce

her vmas performance was so fucking amazingggggg





I almost cried when she did this because shes so powerful with the black lives matter movement! and im thinking about all the daughters and sons dead because of police officers. I remember seeing a post of a young little black boy crying his little heart out because a police man pointed a gun at him. he was like 10? 11? 12??

no one fucking deserves that. just becaue he was black. just because he was a little too big for his age. its not fair..


i mean just look that this!!!


slay yes beyonce idk man i just respect her so much


now lets talk about rihanna


I kinda get annoyed when people dis her music... or any type of rnb and hip  hop music like panda or just desiigner in general... saying that their songs are hard to understand and that they dont mean anything..

well guess what.. the songs arent made for you???

people forget that rihanna is from trinidad and her WORK was for them.
its fun music
it doesnt mean anything
i mean have you heard her talk like thats what she sounds like haha
i love her snapchat

LOLOL
and i lovedddd loved loved her rude boy mix at the VMAs!
it was unbelievable
I loved the community on stage and how fun
everyone was just like AYYY OHH AYYE, and cheering and laughing  just having a fkn good time!!
but tbh i think rihanna is a horrid performer. shes not good live

but i love her as a person
she is sooo... unapologetic.. hahahahah


anyways another person i love Kanye

the rude boy perfromance by rihanna reminded me of kanyes all day performance with the people on stage


and his reaction to rihannas performance


he is so sweet and proudddd!!


ok last comment i think my overall favourite movie is top hat




i have cried a LOT this semester


and Sandy tagged me in this and it made me smile